This is a guide to planning thoughtful, ethical wedding, baby-naming, coming-of-age, funeral, or other commemorative ceremonies, written by members of Humanist and Ethical Organizations. We offer ideas on planning your ceremony, and creating a simple, responsible meaningful event.

Alert: We're moving the lists of green wedding suppliers to agreenbride.com. Contact us

Wednesday

First Gay couple wed in Latin America

BUENOS AIRES, Argentina (AP) -- Two Argentine men were joined Monday in Latin America's first same-sex marriage, traveling to the southernmost tip of the Americas to find welcoming spot to wed.
Gay rights activists Jose Maria Di Bello and Alex Freyre were married in Ushauaia, the capital of Argentina's Tierra del Fuego state, in a ceremony witnessed by sate and federal officials.
"My knees didn't stop shaking," Di Bello said. "We are the first gay couple in Latin America to marry."
The couple had previously tried to marry in the Argentine capital of Buenos Aires but were thwarted by city officials citing conflicting judicial rulings. Argentina's Constitution is silent on whether marriage must be between a man and a woman, effectively leaving the matter to state and city officials.
Tierra del Fuego Gov. Fabiana Rios said in a statement that gay marriage "is an important advance in human rights and social inclusion and we are very happy that this has happened in our state."

Sunday

Ethical gift: Give a child a name


This is the charity appeal we have decided to support with donations from our weddings.
For Canadian donations, see PLANCanada

Slumdog Millionaire star Anil Kapoor donated his entire fee for the movie to Plan’s birth registration campaign. You can lend your support for just $25.

Article 7 of the Convention on Children's Rights says:

1. The child shall be registered immediately after birth and shall have the right from birth to a name, the right to acquire a nationality and. as far as possible, the right to know and be cared for by his or her parents.

Unicef and Foster Parents Plan (Plan International) recently found and registered 50 million 'missing' children.

Over four years and across three continents and 32 countries, PLAN has helped to protect hundreds of thousands of children in danger of being trafficked, and girls as young as 12 being forced into illegal marriages – and it is now also saving untold numbers of unborn girls from being aborted because they are the "wrong sex". It is that very rare thing: a global good news story.
It is a mission to give millions of children in the developing world something that is taken for granted: the registration of their birth and, with it, an official existence. Before the campaign – mounted by the international children's charity Plan – there were parts of the world where registration was rare. In Cambodia, for instance, as late as 2005, 96 per cent of the population went unregistered. Without registration, there can be no birth certificate, no identity card, no passport, no proof of age or parentage. Thus, millions are at increased risk of being press-ganged as child soldiers or prostitutes, of not being returned to their families if liberated, of having only limited access to healthcare and education, and being deprived of their legal rights.
The Count Every Child scheme is attempting the registration at birth of every baby in the world. In a report published tomorrow, Plan tells the remarkable story of how it registered 40m citizens. In some countries, it has transformed registration rates, and pressured governments to waive the costs of logging a birth. The result is that a further 153 million people are now eligible for free registration.

Yet the task remains colossal. According to Unicef, 51m children born every year do not officially exist. In some rural communities in Asia, Africa and Latin America, more than 90 per cent of children are not registered at birth. In a conference tomorrow in London, Desmond Tutu and the Slumdog Millionaire actor Anil Kapoor will appeal to governments and non-governmental organisations to learn from, and repeat, Plan's unprecedented success.
Why is registration so low? A lack of awareness among parents and communities, a fear of persecution through identification, no money, poor public transport and illiteracy all work together to stop parents registering their children. And poorly trained registrars and inadequate registration systems are widespread.
There are an estimated 300,000 child soldiers fighting wars around the world. While a birth certificate cannot prevent a child from being kidnapped and forced to fight, it is a vital tool in efforts to reunite rescued children with their families. In Uganda, where the birth registration system collapsed, children rescued from the Lord's Resistance Army often wait months while officials try to track down their villages and families.
And prosecutions against abductors will only succeed if there is proof that the alleged child soldiers were children when recruited. One lawyer in the Philippines said 50 per cent of cases involving forced prostitution and child labour fail because a child does not have proof of age or identity.

Children can be trafficked within their own country or across borders and continents to work as domestic slaves, prostitutes or in cannabis factories. In 2002, Suborna, a seven-year-old from Bangladesh, was kidnapped and trafficked into India but was abandoned near a police checkpoint as her kidnappers fled. She was taken in by a village leader but had no idea where she was from. A local magistrate organised a radio announcement which her family heard, and her father travelled to India to collect her. But the magistrate refused to release Suborna until he produced her birth certificate, which thankfully he had in Bangladesh. Without this, Suborna may never have returned to her family.
A child who is arrested may be prosecuted as an adult if there is no proof of age. A Vietnamese "woman" caught working in a brothel in Europe is likely to be deported as a criminal, whereas a 16-year-old will be treated as a victim of kidnap, trafficking and forced labour, repatriated to her family or helped to seek asylum.
Plan reports cases of boys as young as seven in Bangladesh in court for
murder and rape. But the country's Birth Registration Act, which came into force in 2006 mainly as a result of the campaign, has meant that 40 per cent of Bangladeshis have received a birth certificate, and another 30 per cent have been registered. Workers focused on children living on the edges of society and helped more than 5m, including 28,000 street children in Dhaka, to acquire official identities.
It is almost impossible for an unregistered adult to work legally, so they are forced to take low-paid, hazardous jobs or become involved in crime. They may be unable to get a bank account or apply for a loan or benefits. They may be unable to vote; they will never pay tax. A missing child becomes a lost adult. Awawou, 18, lives in a small village in East Mono, Togo. Her father died shortly after her birth and her illiterate mother did not know about birth registration. Because she was unregistered Awawou was turned down by the local school. Though her grandmother finally convinced the headmaster to let her attend, she was unable to sit her final primary school exams and so could not continue her education; the late birth registration fee in this west African country is nearly £7, which her family could not afford. Awawou has spent several years working in order to save enough money and has finally sat her exams. She hopes to become a dressmaker.
Plan mobilises workers, volunteers, celebrities, communities and governments, using text messages, radio and TV advertising campaigns, and mobile registration trucks to change attitudes and beliefs, improve awareness, reduce costs and cut the distance people have to travel. Simple stuff, but it worked.

The abortion of female foetuses still occurs in countries such as India and China where boys are preferred for cultural or economic reasons. This has distorted the gender balance in some areas; in the Indian state of Bihar there are six girls for every 10 boys. A pilot project in four Indian states monitors every pregnant woman until she gives birth and registers the child. It will now be replicated by Unicef across four more states.
Identity documents are often destroyed or lost as people try to escape war or natural disaster. After the Asian tsunami it was common for several traumatised parents to try to claim the same toddler from refugee camps, according to Nadya Kassam from Plan. Matching up relatives with children who were trying to cope with the tsunami's devastation took months. Plan has since provided plastic folders and laminated birth certificates for communities prone to natural disasters or war, such as Indonesia, Sri Lanka and Vietnam.

Monday

Blood Diamonds on the way back

Kimberley Process failing Africa - campaigners
18 Oct 2009 12:35:06 GMT
Source: Reuters
By Joe Bavier

KINSHASA, Oct 18 (Reuters) - The diamond industry's Kimberley Process is failing due to a lack of accountability and follow-up, paving the way for an illegal trade that could see a return of conflict stones to world markets, campaigners said.

The certification scheme, designed to eliminate the trade in so-called "blood diamonds", was set up in 2003 in the wake of devastating civil wars in Angola, Sierra Leone, and Liberia, which were largely financed by the illicit diamond trade.

Before its implementation, conflict stones made up about 15 percent of the world market. Though they are believed to account for less than 1 percent of stones bought and sold today, millions of carats produced annually remain untraceable.

"The only thing they really need to be able to do is to track diamonds in Africa, in countries coming out of conflict, and they simply can't," said Ian Smillie, co-author of an annual review of the industry... in 2008, Congo produced more than 33 million carats, accounting for around 20 percent of the world diamond market. However, the study found that nearly half of the country's exported stones were untraceable. "The case of Congo is absolutely emblematic of the problems plaguing the Kimberley Process," said Elly Harrowell, a campaigner with conflict resource watchdog group Global Witness.

...in 2008, in a move recognised and accepted by fellow members, Venezuela officially suspended diamond exports for at least two years while it reorganised the sector. But visits by watchdog groups have confirmed that the trade continues, meaning that Venezuela's entire diamond production is now off the books and illegally smuggled..."Diamonds could very quickly again be at the centre of a very major problem," Smillie said.

Sunday

Zero Footprint Weddings

Leaving no trace of your wedding is an impressive goal.

Work backwards. Imagine the wedding location bare and empty, and then see what you can use that will achieve this goal. Here are some ideas:

Use natural backdrops (woods, light, greenery, birds) and arrange the ceremony so people can see the outside (if you are inside) or of course use a natural setting. You don't need those arches and canopies and fake pergolas. You can also use living greenery as decoration, and replant it afterwards. Don't use tropical plants.

We performed a wedding once with 100 candles, when the power failed. Consider candlepower (up to you whether you choose vegan candles, beeswax, petroleum, etc.). People look much prettier in soft light.

Room temperature food doesn't require a kitchen. Check with a professional chef for safety of buffet foods, but you can arrange a meal that doesn't require heavy refrigeration or heat. Bambu plates (isn't that a trademark, now?) seem to be the eco-rage at present. I prefer china or glass, and big tubs to take the dirty plates home to wash.

Live acoustic music. (OK, or windup radios). Most people will have digital cameras, but consider a REAL artist to do sketches! Or a silhouette cutter.

Have recycle bins ready for any waste or compost. Be ready to take left-over food and flowers to a designated charity.

Walk, bicycle -- hire pedicabs for the elderly. Or horses. Live lightly, and have fun.

Tuesday

Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Marriage Ceremony

Now that we've mentioned the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child in Baby-naming ceremonies, here's the way we refer to the Universal Declaration of Human Rights in a Marriage ceremony.

The part of the ceremony called the "Intention", is where we ask each person if, being of legal age and "in sound mind and body", they are prepared to accept the other person as their legal spouse. Because not everyone in the world is given the right to decide FOR THEMSELVES when they will marry, and WHOM they will marry, we feel it is important to re-state this universal principle:

CELEBRANT:
Here is the Universal Declaration of Human Rights, Article 16

1) Men and women of full age, without any limitation due to race, nationality or religion, have the right to marry and to found a family. They are entitled to equal rights as to marriage, during marriage and at its dissolution.

(2) Marriage shall be entered into only with the free and full consent of the intending spouses.

CELEBRANT:
I will now [Name and Name] if they are willing and prepared to be married to each other.

"[Name] and [Name], Please face each other."

To each:
"[Name] are you ready to enter into this marriage with [Name], believing the love you share and your faith in each other will endure all things?"
RESPONSE: "I am."

or

Do you [name] now declare your willingness to take [name] to be your husband/wife, affirming that you have no knowledge of any impediment to your being lawfully joined in marriage? Is it your intention to wed _________ and thereby fully accept the rights and obligations of marriage?

RESPONSE: "It is my intention"

Note that this part of the ceremony is different from your wedding vows. After you have declared your INTENTION to marry, then you must say to each other that you accept the other person as your legal spouse: these are your WEDDING VOWS. You can say this in your own words, or in a traditional or modern way.

Sunday

Urban or Nature? The settings/ offset dilemma

Which is more ecological? An outdoor wedding in a park, where people have to drive to get there, or an urban wedding where your guests can walk or take public transit?
Hard to tell -- depends on your own logistics. Of course you could offer a donation to a wildlife area as part of your wedding, because you don't want to go tramping through the native plants and wetlands - or you could have just the family attend an outdoor ceremony -- or have it in an urban park which needs your support --

Here's another thought: I was going to go and pick some stuff to can from an urban farm in toronto, and noted pickyourown.org. It's a primitive site, but it does discuss wedding parties at this urban farmstead. So how about a wedding/ reception at an organic farm? (provided you get there by mass transit, hybrid bus, etc.). And of course it would be great to make your dinner from their produce. I wonder if any Mennonite farms would host such a wedding -- think of the pies!

Possible list of organic farms in Ontario.

Directory of CSA (Community Supported Agriculture) farms in Ontario.
Canadian Organic Growers

Just google your state or province and find the local certified organic organization, like: NorthEast NY Organic Farming Association .

Note the Bee and Mead festival! My son made the mead for our daughter's wedding - light and dry and bubbly and delicious. (And we made the wine for his wedding - not quite dry enough :). Start planning now to make your own homemade quaffs!

HEre's a blog of interest: La Vida Locavore

Saturday

United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child - Baby Naming

Naming - so many things to say.

I like to include the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child in Baby-welcoming ceremonies. Here is Article 7:

1. The child shall be registered immediately after birth and shall have the right from birth to a name, the right to acquire a nationality and. as far as possible, the right to know and be cared for by his or her parents.

The right to a NAME and an identity should be inviolate. We often use the UN Convention, and add this poem in Baby-welcoming ceremonies:

There are three names by which a person is called:
One which her father and mother call her,
And one which people call her,
And one which she earns for herself.
The best one of these is the one that she earns for herself.

Eco-coffin


I was asked for a source of eco-coffins, and this is just a placeholder, from a Colorado company, until I do more research. I have friends who used a bamboo coffin - and a woodworker friend who built a light wood plank coffin, but you can certainly shop around. Be sure to check the eco-burial legislation in your state - things are moving fast to allow such burials.

Thanatological music: music for the end of life

A music-thanatologist.., uses music to bring comfort to the dying.

"Doctors can write lots of medical prescriptions and not get the right response,” said Dr. Stewart Mones, medical director at Sacred Heart (hospital). “There are times when no medicines are as effective as music therapy."

Music-thanatology — from Thantos, the Greek word for death — has been around in various forms for centuries. Its roots extend at least back to the monastic medicine of Benedictine monks in 11th-century Cluny, France.

As practiced today, it was developed over more than 30 years by Therese Schroeder-Sheker. Her Chalice of Repose program was located in Colorado and Montana before 2002, when it moved to Mt. Angel in the quiet farm country of the Willamette Valley south of Portland... It stresses carefully individualized “prescriptive music,” a concept Schroeder-Sheker developed in which a harpist observes the body processes and mental state of a patient and adjusts tone and tempo to match.

Music thanatologists say they use the harp for the many sounds it can make and for its warm, low, resonant tones. And it’s portable. Their vigils...are held at no cost to the patient at a growing number of hospitals and hospices across the United States and elsewhere.
(personal note: as a former harpist, I think this is an excellent program. I have met some harpists who play in nursing homes, but not at hospices).

Episcopal Church may bless equal marriage


LOS ANGELES (Reuters) The U.S. Episcopal Church gave its clergy the go-ahead on Friday to bless some same-sex unions, such as civil partnerships in states that legally recognize them, setting the stage for further conflict with the wider Anglican world.

The resolution, passed on the final day of the church's triennial national convention, also directs church leaders to develop official rites, or liturgies, for the blessing of same-sex unions -- a move that could see the church eventually change its definition of marriage.

For now, the church's official definition of marriage is a union between a man and a woman. The same-sex rites called for on Friday will be discussed and voted on at the next general church conference in three years.

Thursday

Visa Weddings and international weddings

Here's a crosspost from Wedding2point0 because it's important.
If you are marrying someone from another country, do a little documenting of your relationship. Take pictures of yourselves together at home. Get a bank account together, and lots of IDs. Don't do ALL of your banking and life online, but have some paper and bricks and mortar accounts. Some people DO get married for visa reasons, and the Immigration Department would like to go after them. It's very interesting that the original link to the wire.com story is now 404, and I can't find it... hmmm

Wednesday

Diners Club, Mail Order Brides, Human Trafficking

Here's the info on some positive action from Change.org.

"It's not every day that we get contacted by a billion-dollar corporation agreeing to change a business practice our members find ethically objectionable. But that's exactly what happened to Change.org this week.

It all started when our Human Trafficking blogger, Amanda Kloer, posted news that the credit card company Diners Club International had established a partnership with a Vietnamese mail-order brides company to jointly offer an official payment plan for buying women on credit. (No, sadly this was no joke.)

The post provoked an immediate reaction from the Change.org community, and nearly a thousand Change.org members sent emails to representatives of Diners Club demanding an end to the program due to its gross commodification of women and the vulnerability of mail-order brides to human trafficking, domestic violence, abuse, and exploitation."

Friday

Quaker Ceremonies: things to admire

We have incorporated several Quaker traditions in our ceremonies. The Humanist Society, which is our national Celebrant's organization, actually began as the Humanist Society of Friends, a Quaker offshoot, in 1930, so it's quite natural to use these roots.

A moment of silence, when the Groom and Bride simply sit quietly, and so do the guests, reaching their inner selves, is quite lovely. The role of the couple in speaking to each other simply and personally is admirable, and the simple Quaker vow, "I accept you into my heart as my husband/wife" is lovely.

Also, we sometimes incorporate the community signing of the marriage certificate, similar to a Jewish Ketubah. Here's an example:

"For members of the Society of Friends, also known as Quakers, the signing of the wedding certificate at the end of the traditional wedding ceremony denotes that the couple is officially married in the eyes of the community. It is hung afterwards in the couple’s home to serve as a reminder of the vows they made to each other and the people who were there to share in their wedding.
Amanda and David have chosen to have a wedding certificate today in honor of David’s Quaker upbringing.

They will now sign the certificate in confirmation of the vows they have just taken.
[David and Amanda sign the certificate.]

David and Amanda have asked that their parents be the first witnesses to sign their marriage certificate. [Their Parents sign].

They ask that all of you sign the certificate as well following the ceremony, as a lasting record of your presence here tonight and a token of your love and support.

Equal marriage: New Hampshire in the fold

CONCORD, N.H. — Gov. John Lynch said Thursday he will sign a bill to make his state the sixth to legalize gay marriage as soon as the Legislature makes some changes, which legislative leaders immediately said they would back.

Lynch asked that the already-approved legislation be revised to better protect churches and their employees against lawsuits if their beliefs preclude them from marrying gays. Gay marriage supporters said they do not object.

"Throughout history, our society's views of civil rights have constantly evolved and expanded," Lynch told reporters. "New Hampshire's great tradition has always been to come down on the side of individual liberties and protections."

Sunday

Sweden recognizes gay marriage on May 1

From wikipedia
So -- the list grows: Belgium, Canada, Netherlands, Norway, South Africa, Spain, Sweden, US: CT, IA, MA, VT, and Recognized, not performed: Aruba (Dutch only), France, Israel, Netherlands Antilles (Dutch only), United States (NY, RI)

Friday

Legal Wedding Ceremony (Non-religious, secular, civil, barebones)


For hundreds (thousands) of years, marriage 'ceremonies' or ceremonial contracts were non-religious. They primarily involved contracts between families, and did not involve clergy or the law. An interesting exhibit at the Metropolitan Museum of Art this year, Art and Love in Renaissance Italy depicts love and marriage in Renaissance Florence. Most of the events depicted are civil only - and many do not even involve a notary or judge, as such roles are modern civil servants. A marriage contract was signed (often by the fathers first) and then by the couple, and by the 18th century, drawn up by a lawyer, but the marriage itself was sealed when the couple shook hands, so the symbol of marriage was two clasped hands - the FIDES, which is also seen on the Irish Claddagh ring. (The picture shows a 15th Italian plate with the FIDES handclasp motif from the Met exhibit) Only the rich could afford a church or cathedral wedding - or pay to invite a priest come and offer prayers at the wedding feast, and it seems to have been totally optional.

The parts of a wedding that matter legally are thus the contractual parts - and if you are looking for a basis to form your LEGAL CEREMONY, independent of any religious bits, here are the basic parts, usually led by the Officiant:

* Who are each of you? (full names, known to those present). This avoids the blushing bride hidden under the veil who turns out to be someone else, and the proxy marriage, and all sorts of legal dupes.
* This is a legal wedding contract signing (not just a betrothal or a spiritual marriage or a sham marriage)
* Do those present recognize this couple? Are you willing to attest that they ARE who they ARE, and that you do not know any reason they should not be married? (This is one of the roles of the witnesses)
* To each: are you here of your own free will? Are you willing to marry this specific person?
* Vows: Speak to each other, and declare in front of us witnesses that you take the other person for your legal spouse.
* Rings - totally optional. Rings are modern substitute for a dowry, and used to be given only to the bride, as attestation that the husband would support her. Now they are seen as an outward symbol of the verbal vows.\
* Signing of contract/license
* Kiss (in some traditions, the kiss is the 'consummation', and the 'exchange of souls', but it is also a modern stand-in for the wedding night. Of course 'non-consummation' is still grounds for annulment in some places.
* The presentation of the couple. This is the 'village recognition' part - Miss Pepsi and Mr. Cola are now Mr and Mrs Pepsi-Cola, and we will all recognize that they are a legal couple (parents and previous lovers take note!) they live in that hut over there, and they are a unit. Hurrah. Let's eat.

If you want to have a legal ceremony, perhaps because you are having a spiritual ceremony at another time, you can follow the above steps, and do a little personalization. Here is a 'barebones' ceremony which includes these steps. Here is another discussion of steps for a 'legal' ceremony

And you might enjoy adding the FIDES, and a little Renaissance Poetry!

Tuesday

Be grateful you can marry

BBC
The Taleban in Afghanistan have publicly killed a young couple who they said had tried to run away to get married, officials say.

The man, 21, and woman, 19, were shot dead on Monday in front of a mosque in the south-western province of Nimroz. Governor Ghulam Dastageer Azad told the AFP news agency the killings followed a decree by local religious leaders and were an "insult to Islam".

Mr Azad said: "An unmarried young boy and an unmarried girl who loved each other and wanted to get married had eloped because their families would not approve the marriage." Officials said the couple were traced by militants after they tried to go to Iran. They were made to return to their village in Khash Rod district.

"Three Taleban mullahs brought them to the local mosque and they passed a fatwa (religious decree) that they must be killed. They were shot and killed in front of the mosque in public," the governor said.

Correspondents say that the killings took place in a remote and dangerous region, where the government has no access. The Taleban ruled Afghanistan from 1996 to 2001 and during that time implemented its austere interpretation of Islamic Sharia law, carrying out public killings and floggings.

Unmarried men and women were forbidden from talking or meeting in public and women were not allowed out of their homes without a male relative. Girls were discouraged from going to school. Extrajudicial "honour killings" have been widely carried out in Afghanistan since then by conservative families angered by a relative who has brought them shame - usually by refusing to marry a chosen partner.

Vermont passes Gay Marriage!


MONTPELIER — Vermont has become the fourth state to legalize gay marriage — and the first to do so with a legislature’s vote.

The Legislature voted Tuesday to override Gov. Jim Douglas’ veto of a bill allowing gays and lesbians to marry. The vote was 23-5 to override in the state Senate and 100-49 to override in the House. Under Vermont law, two-thirds of each chamber had to vote for override.

The vote came nine years after Vermont adopted its first-in-the-nation civil unions law. It’s now the fourth state to permit same-sex marriage. Massachusetts, Connecticut and Iowa are the others. Their approval of gay marriage came from the courts.

Friday

Iowa Supreme Court: Gay marriage legal!

My goodness! My Home state! Things are moving fast - so proud of Iowa today. Des Moines Register The Iowa Supreme Court this morning unanimously upheld gays’ right to marry.

“The Iowa statute limiting civil marriage to a union between a man and a woman violates the equal protection clause of the Iowa Constitution,” the justices said in a summary of their decision. The court rules that gay marriage would be legal in three weeks, starting April 24.

Wednesday

Sweden approves Same Sex Marriages

Stockholm - A broad majority in the Swedish parliament Wednesday approved adoption of same-sex marriage legislation after a six-hour debate. Six of the seven parties in parliament had backed the proposal drafted by the Committee on Civil Affairs to introduce a gender- neutral marriage law.

The new legislation is to take effect as of May 1, and replaces the legislation approved in 1995 that allows same-sex couples to form a union in Sweden via registered partnership. Couples who have registered partnership can keep that status or amend it by an application to the authorities or marry.

The changes will not affect church marriage ceremonies for the time being. A majority of bishops in the Church of Sweden in February said the church should no longer handle legal registrations of marriage.

Sunday

Vegan /Vegetarian Catering directories


Lots to think about in Vegetarian catering - from wines to food to garnishes to "anchovy-free Worchester sauce" ...

Here are few resources: HappyCow It's a nice directory, but rather limited. If you know any vegan cooks or caterers, suggest they enquire about adding their profiles. You have to email the directory for details, so not sure if there is a cost for listing. Lots of CA, some Florida, and a Torontonian...

Veg.ca is a Canadian directory. Coded for Veggie/ Vegan, and localized.

Lots of UK sources, of course. Veggies.org is a place to start

NY: Gay parents allowed both names on birth certificates

Good news - and a ripple effect: Their Children’s Birth Certificates: The Next Fight in LGBT Equality Lisa Derrick Sunday March 29, 2009 6:10 am

This week New York City joined the rest of the state in allowing married lesbian couples to list both women as parents from when one of them gives birth, though the state itself does not yet perform same-sex marriages. In May Gov. David Paterson had ordered state agencies to respect out-of-state same-sex marriages saying that recent court ruling could subject agencies to discrimination claims; this was implemented in December. New York City keeps its own vital statistics separately from the state; the city's Board of Health voted unanimously to make the change.

This New York state law is having an effect elsewhere. A federal judge ruled March 19th that Louisiana has 15 days to add the names of both fathers to the birth certificate of a boy born in Shreveport and adopted by a gay couple from New York who now live in Southern California. The boy's parents, Oren Adar and Mickey Ray Smith, adopted their Louisiana-born son in New York state, and want both their names on his birth certificate. Louisiana law only allows one single person or a married couple to adopt, but U.S. District Judge Jay Zainey ruled in December that because the adoption became formal in New York, the Office of Vital Records must recognize that state's adoption law on the matter.

Friday

Vermont Senate panel approves gay marriage bill

MONTPELIER, Vt. – A state Senate committee unanimously approved a gay marriage bill on Friday, moving Vermont one step closer to allowing same-sex couples to legally wed.

"It provides ... gay and lesbian couples the same rights that I have as a married heterosexual," said Sen. John Campbell, vice chairman of the Senate Judiciary Committee and chief sponsor of the bill. The measure would replace Vermont's first-in-the-nation civil unions law with one that allows marriage of same-sex partners beginning Sept. 1.

The committee's vote ended an intense week highlighted by a public hearing Wednesday night in which more than 500 people swarmed the Statehouse to speak for and against allowing same-sex marriages. If approved, Vermont would join Massachusetts and Connecticut as the only U.S. states that allow gays and lesbians to marry. Civil unions, which confer some rights similar to marriage, would still be recognized but no longer granted after Sept. 1.

Both Houses, under Democratic control, are expected to pass the measure. The Senate is taking the lead and is expected to debate the bill next week. Exemption would not extend to justices of the peace and other public officials who perform civil marriages but who might object to officiating at same-sex unions. Those people are agents of the government and are barred by law from discriminating based on sexual orientation, Campbell said.

Vermont in 2000 became the first state in the country to pass a civil unions law, which grants many of the rights and responsibilities of marriage to same-sex couples. But gay marriage advocates have argued since then that the law does not go far enough. California, New Jersey and New Hampshire also permit civil unions.

Thursday

It's YOUR wedding: Family events vs Elopements

We often talk to couples who are discussing the size of their wedding - especially in challenging economic times. Many couples eventually opt for eloping (or a small private wedding) with the idea that they will have a larger celebration later. This is not a new idea, of course, as we pointed out in Get Married at Home, which discusses the concept of small family weddings. Many of our grandparents went to the county registry office or were married in the parlor, of course.

But the real question is not decisions about second cousins and invitations - it's whether you want your wedding to be a true elopement (no family present) or a private wedding(family or friends as witnesses, say under 10 people) or a family wedding, which is similar to any family event: enough friends and relatives to fit into your living room and backyard.

It's really about your relationship with your new spouse and your families, and it's not rocket science: If you are EMOTIONALLY CLOSE to your families - then find a way to involve them, if possible - on your terms, of course - whether it's in the actual ceremony, or some sort of celebration. And that is simply a logistical problem of distance, travel, health, work schedules, etc. The opportunity for your family members to be present as you form a NEW family is a unique event, and benefits all of you.

If your relationship with your relatives makes you at all uncomfortable, and you want your wedding to be personal and private - then simply make your own arrangements. And decide whether you're going to see everyone later en masse, at a party or informal event, (at your own new home, on neutral ground at an event space, or at someone else's house) or whether you'll go visiting, or however you decide to present your new status.

If your family lives close by, you may consider having a private elopement ceremony and a 'welcome home' reception. That's what my great-grandmother did - their best friends were their witnesses at the courthouse, and her mother stayed home and set up the reception. If your family is very close, they may want to attend the actual ceremony and be your witnesses (or take pictures), even at the courthouse or in the park.

Many couples are concerned about parents "taking over" their special day. It happens! But parents want to be needed, as much as anyone else. Keep your plans firmly in your own hands - including the ceremony, the guests, the amenities (it's YOUR wedding!) but do try to find things to ask them - it acknowledges their importance in your lives, and encourages their future support. A wedding is one day in your life, private or public - a marriage is a family event by it's nature. And whether you have a romantic private wedding or a family picnic in a park, do find some way to acknowledge and include your present (and new) relatives in your changed state - there are many life events ahead of you as a new couple, and your family will be involved in some degree in those events to come.

Friday

Obama Reverses U.S. Position on LGBT Issues at the UN

UN DISPATCH

In late December the United Nations General Assembly held a symbolic vote on a statement calling for the universal decriminalization of homosexuality. France spearheaded the resolution, which was a 13 point declaration "to ensure that sexual orientation or gender identity may under no circumstances be the basis for criminal penalties, in particular executions, arrests or detention." The statement received 60 votes in support, mostly from Europe and South America. Opposing the resolution, were the United States, the Holy See, and members of the Organization of the Islamic Conference. At the time, the Bush administration couched its objection to the measure in legal technicalities.

Well, that was then. This is now: At the so-called "Durban Review Conference" on racism and xenophonia underway in Geneva, Europe again put forward language condemning “all forms of discrimination and all other human rights violations based on sexual orientation.” According to UN Watch, "The Czech Republic on behalf of the E.U., with the support of New Zealand, the United States, Colombia, Chili on behalf of the South American states, the Netherlands, Argentina and a few others, took the floor in support." The efforts to include language on discrimination based on sexual orientation ended up failing for lack of support from non-western countries. Still, it's relieving to see that the United States is now back on the side of the enlightened on this issue of basic human rights.