For worse or for better - mindfulness is the key

IN all the wedding vows, there is some mention of "for better, for worse" - variations include "through the good times and the bad", or "we shall bear together what share of trouble and sorrow our lives may lay upon us, we shall share together whatever of joy and fulfillment life may hold". See wedding ceremonies for some examples.

Here is an article from the BBC to suggest that a little bit of buddhist meditation might be the key to happiness in marriage. Perhaps that's a better pre-marital course than all those questionnaires about your likes and dislikes, which always seemed to me too much like a dating quiz in a laundromat magazine.

Misery: the secret to happiness. Accepting the bad times could make for a happy marriage.

"The key to a happy relationship could be accepting that some miserable times are unavoidable, experts say. Therapists from California State University, Northridge and Virginia Tech say accepting these problems is better than striving for perfection.The report was published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy

And they blame cultural fairytales and modern love stories for perpetuating the myth that enjoying a perfect relationship is possible. The pursuit of relationship nirvana can be potentially damaging

The authors, Dr Diane Gehart and Dr Eric McCollum say it is a "myth that, with enough effort we can achieve a state without suffering." And they say healthcare professionals may not be helping the situation.

"The field of mental health perpetuates this myth with the very concept of "mental health," which implies a state without suffering," they say. But this belief can eventually cause people to believe that with enough effort they can eliminate suffering. And experts say this is an unrealistic aim in relationships, and striving to achieve it can lead people to feel they have failed.

Jan Parker of the Association of Family Therapy said: "The authors are right to point out that the pursuit of relationship nirvana can be potentially damaging."

She said it was important to explore what people mean by a happy and healthy relationship, because nobody's life or relationship can be in a permanent state of happiness - there will always be more difficult times. She said couples need to build strengths, such as understanding, in their relationships to help them cope in these hard times and appreciate the good times.

Mrs Nadine Field, a consultant psychologist, said it was a "fantasy" that any relationship could be perfect and that striving for such an impossible state could lead to bitter disappointment. She said this disappointment could then cause people to focus on the negative aspects of a relationship, and lead to more disappointment and resentment.

She said: "People need to try to understand their partners through communication, rather than demanding perfection of them."

The authors recommend using mindfulness, a Buddhist meditation technique, to help cope with family suffering".

Light out tonight! Earth Hour - candlelit weddings

Earth Hour 2008 US

I've done many weddings by candlelight. Some on purpose, where we handed out candles to 200 people in the garden (which didn't really work because they didn't have enough lights, so the first candles were burnt out by the time the rest of the people got theirs) and one on New Year's Eve when the power went out in a DUMBO warehouse, and we found enough candles to light the altar and the stairwell, and I had memorized the ceremony. Oh, and once in a hurricane where we huddled under a tarp - I forgot that one. Anyway, have lots of candles, but have those long barbecue lighters, make sure you have some sort of wind buffer. From my long years as an organic farmer, I am used to creating wind buffers: I have lots of hurricane lamps with glass chimneys, I make tin-foil reflectors, etc. Be very careful of fire - have a sand bucket, if possible, in fact put the candles IN sand buckets - you can make them pretty. You can of course use painted coffee cans full of sand, or kitty litter.If people are holding candles, improvise the drip shields, and give them a place to put the burned ones (those buckets, again). Make sure you have the fire exits marked, all those safety things. Consider the nice garden flashlights that look like lanterns, and go for battery power (wind up, if you want) instead of all firepower.
I think I'll do some research on the ecology of candles. It's been years since I made my own... Happy EARTH HOUR!

World Water Day - use recycled invitations.

It's world water day. See the blueplanetproject.net for campaigns for a Universal Declaration of the Right to Water, and lots of information about the water crises.

Use recycled paper for your stationery. It’s easy to find quality, recycled papers and cardstock. Did you know:[from DIYbride.com] 1 Ton of 100% Recycled Paper Saves:

* 17 trees
* 7000 gallons of water
* 4100 kwh of energy, enough to power the average home for 6 months
* 60 pounds of air pollution
* 2.5 cubic yards of landfill space

Here are a few suggestions:
CustomPaper.com
Sealandsend
pristineplanet.com
and one of the popular 'embedded seed' invitation companies:
greenfieldpaper.com.
Tree-free paper resources.
Just don't pay for airmail shipping for those recycled cards - shop locally.
Or use online services for your invites, your googlemap, and other wedding news. Try to find an ecologically conscious online service (my server, Hostpapa.com, is a green host).

DON'T USE THOSE "FLOWER SEED" INVITATIONS!!!

Why flower seed favors are not eco-friendly

"As the editor and publisher of myechochicwedding.com I spend a lot of time searching the internet for fabulous new eco-friendly wedding ideas.

During my cyber travels I have become increasingly concerned over how many "Green Wedding" sites are promoting plant seed, particularly wildflower seed, as an eco-friendly wedding favor. Yes, plant seeds are a natural gift from mother nature and in some cases organic, but plant seeds are not necessarily eco-friendly.

Many of the plant seed packages being sold on the internet and even in local nurseries often contain a mix of non-native plant seeds. In most cases, the contents of these seed mixes are not listed on the package and are only labeled as “Wildflower Mix”. Very Good point!

Wedding lodging - Green hotels?

Is it just greenwashing? You be the judge. From their website:
"Green" Hotels are environmentally-friendly properties whose managers are eager to institute programs that save water, save energy and reduce solid waste--while saving money--to help PROTECT OUR ONE AND ONLY EARTH!

WHO WE ARE: "Green" Hotels Association's® purpose is to bring together hotels interested in environmental issues. From adding "Drinking water served on request only" to the menu to installing new HVAC systems, and with every measure in between, "Green" Hotels Association® encourages, promotes and supports the "greening" of the lodging industry.

HOW WE HELP: General managers, chief engineers and executive housekeepers do not have the time to search out all the environmentally-friendly water saving, energy saving and solid waste reducing ideas that apply to the hospitality industry. So, "Green" Hotels Association® has dedicated itself to that purpose. On joining, members receive the very comprehensive 135+ page Guidelines and Ideas packed with great ideas options and techniques revealing how to reduce bills as well as the hotel's impact on your beautiful destination.

So - they get a brochure. But have no real standards. Go to their list of inns and see what you think, it's arranged by state. In NY, the Algonquin Hotel is listed. I love the Algonquin. So did Dorothy Parker. I love their resident cat. I'm not entirely certain that they are following a carbon-neutral management plan, though. I could, of course be wrong. The lights ARE very low in the lobby, the Oak room, and the bar. I don't know how the nonagerian waiters can see. I'd ask a few more intense questions before I'd suggest to wedding guests that these hotels are eco-friendly.

Wedding Menu - edible flowers

We made our daughter's organic wedding cake (my husband is a chef) and decorated it with edible flowers. No plastic cake toppers. We added puff pastry swans all they way up the layers, and everyone got to eat the decorations. Edible flowers are more than violets and nasturtiums. Pansies, day lilies, tulip bells, and begonias are some of the most popular, with herb flowers such as chive blossoms another pretty idea.

Here are some cake decorating ideas:

"Calendulas, also known as pot marigold, used to be called poor man’s saffron. The yellow or orange petals of the daisy-like flowers can be used like saffron..Calendula petals add pizzazz to carrot cake. Sprinkle petals on the cream cheese icing."

"Two types of marigolds – Lemon Gem and Tangerine Gem (Tagetes tenuifolia) – with their fernlike foliage, are the only edible marigolds. They have a citrusy tarragon flavor, but little scent. When you pull the petals from the flower, break off the right-angled portion; it is bitter".

"Pansies are a favorite as they come in so many different colors – single and combinations. When eating pansies, you can break two of the cardinal rules of edible flowers, which is to eat only the petals and remove the pistils and stamens before eating. In fact, you can eat the pansy sepals as well. Some pansies have a delicate fragrance, primarily the blue-flowered ones, and a mild wintergreen flavor"

and for a lovely yellow theme: "Although most people think of dandelions as weeds, the flowers are edible when young..Native Americans dipped the entire young flower in egg and then in cornmeal and fried it - this turns the slightly bitter flower into the flavor of a mushroom".

Who knew?

Here is a post on agreenbride about Organic Wedding Flowers

Ethical sleeping

Setting up your new apartment together? Carry your ethical ceremony over into your new life and sleep on petrochemical-free sheets and mattresses. Here's an ad from a green bedding company to give you an idea of what to look for in bedding (and it's not just the thread count :-)
See livinggreen

"All of the mattresses, toppers, comforters and pillows at Livingreen are free of SVOCs,(semi-volatile organic compounds), VOCs, and petrochemicals. Instead of the synthetic and chemical materials used in conventional mattresses, these organic bed systems are free from flame retardants, chemical dyes, pesticides, and bleach. Materials used in our natural mattresses include: Pure Grow Wool™, organic cotton, and natural Talalay or natural Dunlop latex rubber. Wool is naturally flame retardant and also repels dust mites, making these beds an excellent choice for people with allergies or asthma. The natural latex used in the mattress core is glue-free and has no sand, clay or synthetic fillers added". And they come in crib sizes, too.

Organic sheets from 3rLiving.

Plant a wedding tree

In Indonesia, reforestation is now REQUIRED for weddings.
In the Sragen region of Java in Indonesia - a country criticised for its rapid deforestation - couples will apparently be required to fund the planting of 5 trees in their local area if they want to tie the knot. And if they want to get divorced, they’ll have to stump up for 25 seedlings!So find your LOCAL reforestation service, and plant a tree for your wedding - ask your guests to do so.
You can always register with ArborDay.org.
or
Trees for a change, plant a tree in a national forest.
Tree Canada
LandCare Niagara (plant a tree by clicking)