It's YOUR wedding: Family events vs Elopements

We often talk to couples who are discussing the size of their wedding - especially in challenging economic times. Many couples eventually opt for eloping (or a small private wedding) with the idea that they will have a larger celebration later. This is not a new idea, of course, as we pointed out in Get Married at Home, which discusses the concept of small family weddings. Many of our grandparents went to the county registry office or were married in the parlor, of course.

But the real question is not decisions about second cousins and invitations - it's whether you want your wedding to be a true elopement (no family present) or a private wedding(family or friends as witnesses, say under 10 people) or a family wedding, which is similar to any family event: enough friends and relatives to fit into your living room and backyard.

It's really about your relationship with your new spouse and your families, and it's not rocket science: If you are EMOTIONALLY CLOSE to your families - then find a way to involve them, if possible - on your terms, of course - whether it's in the actual ceremony, or some sort of celebration. And that is simply a logistical problem of distance, travel, health, work schedules, etc. The opportunity for your family members to be present as you form a NEW family is a unique event, and benefits all of you.

If your relationship with your relatives makes you at all uncomfortable, and you want your wedding to be personal and private - then simply make your own arrangements. And decide whether you're going to see everyone later en masse, at a party or informal event, (at your own new home, on neutral ground at an event space, or at someone else's house) or whether you'll go visiting, or however you decide to present your new status.

If your family lives close by, you may consider having a private elopement ceremony and a 'welcome home' reception. That's what my great-grandmother did - their best friends were their witnesses at the courthouse, and her mother stayed home and set up the reception. If your family is very close, they may want to attend the actual ceremony and be your witnesses (or take pictures), even at the courthouse or in the park.

Many couples are concerned about parents "taking over" their special day. It happens! But parents want to be needed, as much as anyone else. Keep your plans firmly in your own hands - including the ceremony, the guests, the amenities (it's YOUR wedding!) but do try to find things to ask them - it acknowledges their importance in your lives, and encourages their future support. A wedding is one day in your life, private or public - a marriage is a family event by it's nature. And whether you have a romantic private wedding or a family picnic in a park, do find some way to acknowledge and include your present (and new) relatives in your changed state - there are many life events ahead of you as a new couple, and your family will be involved in some degree in those events to come.